I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just wanna soil my oats bro
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
