Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
