I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
