summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
