I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
