How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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