my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
