I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
