my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
