Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
