Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
