I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Shame - the story of my life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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