please come you make the beer taste better
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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