I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
