I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
