She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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