Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
