dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
