This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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