is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
