In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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