I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
