My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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