I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
