Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
