My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
