After last night, I could never be a politician.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
