just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
