i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
