The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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