if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
