Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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