So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
