malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
