THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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