i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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