Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
