I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
