Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
