after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
