Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
