my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Who died my cat blue again?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
