what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
