I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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