I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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