Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
