is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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