pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
