i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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