as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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