Ketchup is God's man juice
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
