I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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