pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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